Eat Harkonnen, bitch!

What if he didn't like who I had become?  16 years later I learn that Shaun Anderson ( my first boyfriend).  This kid who defended me and went toe to toe against Clifford has been looking for me.  I've heard rumors that he wants to make amends for the past. Some suggest that he has held this candle for me.  I think that we just made this impact on each other that it was written in the stars someplace that we would always be friends. Hard to say.  I feel ashamed now that I look like I've been loved in my life. Where someone picked me up from the shambles that it was when i was young and loved me.  I feel bad that he wasn't.   I was loved , cared for, supported, clothed, fed and given every opportunity to succeed.  Most kids in my position would not have been so lucky.  Drug/ alcohol or some bad combo.  Maybe even a life of crime. I don't think that was the case for him.  The pictures I've seen is just the boy I knew who has aged about 16 years.

i have missed him. 

But what If this person I have become he can't connect with or doesn't relate to?  I have become cynical.  Still shy at times but I pretty much say what I want.  I'm bisexual, Catholic and half a dozen other things. I'm blunt, hardcore.  I love stripclubs.  I'm a very good artists.  I love to cook and game.  Would he be okay that I'm a gamer chick.  That my ultimate goal to have my own gaming store.  What would he say about my sexual orientation.  Would he be surprised that I have a sharp tongue and a quick wit.  [ something I didn't have back then]

I think when you are kids you worry less about you might become and just deal with the person you are.  We don't worry about having political opinions ( that I have now) or social agenda.  You just go to school and your biggest worry is that hoping your parents don't ground you so you can go to the movie you've been dying to see for a week. 

I feel bad for the rumors I've heard about his life.  Where I found a family that loved me his family turned against him when he was about 16 . Only 3 years after we lost contact with each other. 

What do I say to a person I have wanted to tell everything to and couldn't. I lie awake at night and think about our reunion ( if that gets to happen)
What would I do, say, act, do?

I think i would sit with him and let him talk about anything he wanted to.  I would tell him he owes me nothing from the past and only owes me now is a forever friendship that meant to be from the start.  From the moment we got on same bus and rode it to school. 

yeah well its almost 415a... and Guess what gets me up and brings me to the computer to just verbally vomit.  His name is Shaun M. Anderson.  A nobody to everyone in my life.  My sister knew who he was but he was my first boyfriend.  The first boy i kissed.  But I think about him now in my dreams.  I think { if we are talking dream wise} he saved my life.  How?  In my dreams I told him everything.  In my dreams I would find him waiting at the bus stop.  I would talk with him and we would walk all over the neighbor hood talking.  I told him { in my dreams} i was pregnant.  He always knew { in my dreams} i was unhappy.  I told him everything.  When I was suicidal he saved my life.  At 4am after having very intense dreams about him lately.  I found him on Facebook.  OMG I found him.  I almost broke down in tears.  I want to talk to him .. but I don't know what to say.  I want to really tell him everything but how odd would that be. 

I don't feel that I could be honest and say.  "I've been trying to find you for a 14+ years" 

Why do I have to suck up my pain, my lack of sleep and I now work, and still take care of Lily, work on the house ect.... You can go to bed without a care in the world. I can't. She was up until 1230a, Ask Jontue... he was up talking to me. You might have to drive a forklift on 6 hours of sleep, but I drive a car with your child in it? NOW split hairs!!!!!!!!

There is so much that I talked with Jontue about last night. What you do not see when I get upset and my emotions "flare" is that I'm smart or educated. Do you not see that I have experience? How about that what I say has logic or merit? You see the emotional tidal wave instead of things that you tell people I am. " OH Maria is so smart." or "Maria is so resourceful." Why can't I be smart, educated, experienced or logical despite my emotional waves? I can be. If you hate the fact that so much of my mothers treatment of me that when she gives me a glowing compliment but then the thick criticism overshadows it. You do the exact same thing to me. You brace for the tidal wave without listen to the weather report. You brace for impact instead of listening to my message.

1. That book doesn't replace your mind and what your mind can do for you. If you are worried about studying about ESWS then keep the book with you. You need to learn how to hold yourself accountable. If you're not willing to write the good as well and the unpleasant then your book serves no purpose. Last night can't be a wash because I kept you from it. I do what I have to do despite Lily. I do not think the book is that answer. When a .99 notebook ( which you have plenty of will over your bases if its only for reflection. I'm sending my ring back. I don't want to hear that I don't ever give you things or let you have them. Not true. I'm telling you that my glasses cost us dearly. And until I get my first check figured out. EVERYTHING counts. Spending 4-7.50 and you waiting 3 days vs you spending $60.00 I'm sorry I would rather spend the 7.50 and send you what you already own.
(THAT IS LOGICAL)

2. Which ties into number 1. I trust and support your goals. I have been dragged over this country in support of them. I work on them now with the website and the iphone app project. If you do not think that is the case. Tell me now. I will not have you selling yourself a bill of goods that because I won't let you buy a 15.00 book that all of a sudden I don't support you. I have given up a closer relationship with Athena & MacKenzie because of our family. That kills me. But its because I support what you do.

3. Getting me a birthday card is supposed to make you stand and stay... " yeah this reminds me of this person." Whether its funny, sappy or whatever. You take the time to find the card that fits and its the thought that counts.

4. Asking and re-asking for what I want for my birthday isn't going to end my world. I'm 32 not 12. its going to take a world altering event for you to really truly get the jump on me as surprises go. I didn't need you to spend $169.00 ( yes I knew what you went and did) on me. When 1 card and 29.99 gift that I wanted would have been perfect. Because that meant you remembered or asked and remembered what I really wanted. Not that I can't use the other. ( I kinda had my face covered, I wanted to feel better about my body.) Doesn't it feel nice when people know you love cheesecake? How do you feel? Warm inside because they remembered? No different feeling here.

5. I'm tired of being the victim. KNOWING I am the victim and I'm apologizing to my abuser. I'm sick of it. You hurt me with Dawn. There were 100 different things you needed to tell her. You needed to not fight with me about it. You needed to own up to it when and how it happened instead of trying to suggest it was something different. This is why I think you don't respect me when I'm hurt. You don't see me the same way. With true feelings. My status as a smart, creative, resourceful woman has been thrown out the door. You view me as something less then human like Keith did. You both found your words. His was porcupine, your is hurricane. You needed to except my mantle of pain that has to do with this. This is YOUR BURDEN to BEAR not mine. That is what you haven't done. I dealt with DAWN but that wasn't my job. It was yours. You have months and could be longer to deal with this. You are NOT absolved from it. You don't get to say 5 " Hale Mary's" and you're done. If you feel you have no more to repent from. Then we should part. I have paid for my sins in my life. I know what they cost me. I have worked hard everyday to tell you everything so that I have a trust built on my honesty of what I can tell you. Right now, you do not have that with me. You should have to bare this pain that I feel. Amanda would tell me because Clifford and Maria are out of my life. I can only handle the pain. Maria and Clifford of no matter . So? It would stand to reason, YOU are in my life.... I have to deal with both you and my pain. You should be apologizing every single day because it is the right thing to do.

I think it costs you something dear and great to yourself as man if you ever have to tell me OKAY. I will do it. If everything I said was logical, well-thought out but still met with emotion. You can't bare the thought of eating crow. If everything I said was understood, and you respected the money situation. That everything you needed, I could have to you by Monday - Would you send it all back? NO, I don't think you would. You have a really bad time of really losing to me on merit. What if it wasn't losing? What if it was common sense, logic, reason.? Would you still be bitter?

Lastly, not talking to me doesn't cool my heals. Without saying words you hit me with a car, back it up and hit me again. Then you go 10, 12, 15- 24 hours and try to check it to make sure I'm alive. One day... I won't be.

I curse you and hate you because it never seems like you feel as lonely as I do. Or hate something as much as me....

I eat on the fly.. never can enjoy my food

I shop on the fly.. never able to look long enough ... ready for something to fall apart or for Lily to act out

I sleep like a person with 360 radar, never deep, never enjoyable..... fitful, tossing and turning sleep. Full of nightmares.

I listen to the silence of the house and it scares me.

I hate it when you try to break something to me.. with timidness... or what ever you call it... knowing... I will up for hours unable to sleep

You'll make your excuses when i don't want to hear them... spin to where you are the victim and I'm the unreasonable one......

Just tired of all of this....

Nothing I can do can take back how I feel about the course of events that happened last night. I can only prepare myself for what happens next. Look to see. Josh sees me has his rock. Always there. I was this woman who " tamed " him. I feel like my heart and my undying love for him is killing me. I'm being taken for granted. I will always be there for him. I will always be there for Lily. He will always have the best food I can give and cook for him. My sexual appetite will always be around for nights of endless passion. To what extent?

Look to see me for the current state I'm in. A Mom in T-shirt and jeans. I own simple jewelry. The kind that my child cant touch because they are always on me. Any social life I had seems gone. Only with whispers of a change on the horizon.

I've been accused of not being a risk taker. I look to the safer side and that is why my deepest desires don't see the light of day. I do seek to be safe because I fear what is inside of me. The sexual sedition that creeps up on me. The darkest parts of my soul. I'm left with a quandary: Social safety or my own destruction. Save my reputation. How people feel about me or risk it and seek out my desires. Seek out dark waters. Or stay safe and watch me destroy myself slowly. Choke on the what if in life. Be miserable.

What if I had a lover? Would it kill you?
What if that said person, gave me everything I wanted that you couldn't give me. How would you feel?
Would the welts kill you. Would my sated, weak body make you angry?


Josh. Its time you stands on your own two feet. If you desire a women. I do not want a phone call for permission. I don't want a phone call for forgiveness. You will get neither from me. You make a CHOICE. You honor that choice and deal with the consequences. I will no longer torment myself. I will no longer tell myself before my happiness goes you. Everything you do alone you do for yourself. If you do something for us, then we are together. Otherwise, you make your own choice and you accept the consequences.

I burred my life away for you. I gave up what I loved because I thought I could live with myself. Your logic explained away so easily. How could I explain raw, physical, sexual carnal rage. How could I ask you to rage against my body? How can I ask you to love me and hate me in the same moment. How could you understand that I desired my body to be used for a sadistic purpose.

Look and see whats happened. Look and see what I've become.

I'm about ready to go nuts. NO word, just random hit and miss emails. Nothing like I've been sending him asking for any information. What is the problem? Did you get into trouble? Why is it so hard to understand that I get very little information and what i do get is from Josh.

1. 3 days with no email are you kidding me
2. there is important stuff i need to know about him coming home this week

I'm about ready to scream. I'm so sick about this.

I'm angry with the state of things.

First, Josh miss-managed some of our funds... and its put us in a situation that I was able to fix.

Second, I'm limited on my friends and resources here in San Diego, but once the person I have been hanging out with found Married friends that didn't have kids, she was quick to bolt for greener pastures...

I needed a car ride to get the funding from the American Red Cross who have been wonderful in helping us..... but she thought that 4 hours at the gym were far more important then to return my phone call. I look a chance at driving down to the store to pick up the western union and then take the car ( which was floating on empty) to the gas station. I totally lucked out.

I really feel more and more like a 3rd, 5th or 7th wheel because Lily is my life. I have made her my world because of the past. I will do right by my family. Moreover, if that keeps me from things then I feel like its their problem and not mine. These wives and drop their kids off with family and have run of their life. I'm trying to include my children with my life.

I know that their will be times that Josh and I will need a sitter so we can have a date night, but we are working toward family being the most important thing in our lives.

That we would rather be with each other then worry about being excluded because we are plus kids...

Is it so hard for people to have a moral compass. A moral backbone. When speaking about men being in the military, is it so hard for others to think that men will do the right thing by their wives and not do anything that would cost them faith and trust. Why can't women know with out a shadow of a doubt that their husband faced with tempted circumstance will prevail, instead of living it up with the good' ole boys club handbook of hookers. Why in the military is fidelity so hard.

Every day I'm bombarded with the question. " Are you sure?" , " But why would he tell you." " Oh, but its not hurting anyone." And this one gets me the most... " So what if he does"

Yeah it does. Very much so, it hurts. To defend a home front in the same fashion as men defend our country. We defend what men people can't understand.

I try so hard to put of front of supremacy. Knowing in my heart I know Josh. I do know Josh. I know he loves me. And I know this is the one thing he will never hurt me with.

This holiday season has proved more and more challenging. Actually more and more depression. From adults not getting gifts from parents not sending birthday cards. Is it a bit materialistic, maybe but there is nothing anyone can hope for.

I got a card and flowers that die 7 days later from Josh's parents. I get a card from my mothers best friend. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH PEOPLE.

Because we hit a certain age we are supposed to let hoildays and birthdays jst pass us by. I hate feeling like this. So Josh, Lily and I will look foward to a bumper xmas when he returns from ship duty. And I guess I will only worry about making holidays special for us. Because at this point, that is the only family I can rely on.

My family and friends have been getting worse and wose with human interaction and everyone is growing further apart. I moved because I thought it would make me grow it has. I've learned independence. Like I said, my only job is now is to make sure that my kids and my husband are happy. No one else cares.